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Seduction and sexuality: all connected, all assisted

From the first text messages to the breakdown, via the geolocation of your loved one, applications mix with everything. A little, a lot, madly.

Seduction is complicated. Sex negotiation too. Even unhooking a bra requires two doctorates (one in fashion design, one in anatomy). The world is a hostile jungle, we are lost. Is it terrible? Certainly. But this situation is above all a wonderful opportunity for a whole bunch of wacky businesses … who don’t always seem to make a fortune.

Let’s start with seduction. When we talk about technology, dating sites and applications spontaneously come to mind … Except that assistance is limited to putting you in touch, and that you are doing all the work – disappointments, conversations, selection, everything.

Guaranteed success for 50 dollars

Hence the idea of ​​outsourcing a time-consuming process. So the TinderUs application is responsible for carving out a suit, sorry, a profile, which will guarantee your success. For 50 dollars, experts select your most flattering photos, write your bio (which is about half a line), suggest catchphrases and advice.

For the price of a nice first date, this app takes care of the easiest and most entertaining part of online seduction. In the same vein, you will find lots of compilations of more or less inspired tips (“talk about funny, fun, teasing subjects and subjects demonstrating your high value”) – there are literally dozens of them.

Type “seduction coach” on your computer and contemplate the tide of possible choices, between books, seminars, personalized services … fierce competition, revealing the scale of the demand. There is even a school to train in seduction coaching (75 dollars for the introduction of 90 minutes). Coaches for coaches…

And when you find your soul mate?

Do not take things in hand, unhappy. An app like BroApp takes care of sending text messages for you (thanks to several years spent “perfecting the recipe for romantic communication”, according to the designers). If you prefer to stick to it yourself, but without turning on your brain, sites providing ideas already formatted for messaging exist in whole shovels.

Note that it also works if you have not found a soul mate, but your parents or friends annoy you with your celibacy. This time, you will need a virtual link. On InvisibleGirlfriend and InvisibleBoyfriend and for 25 dollars a month, not only will you create the custom creature of your dreams (if you lack imagination, the site will offer you images, personality types and dating scenarios), but you have access to a package of a handwritten note, ten voice messages and 100 text messages.

Assisted rupture

Okay, now imagine you found someone and it became sexual.

Skipping Kamasutras’ suggestions, we would waste three decades just trying to count them. Thanks to SpreadSheet, one of the pioneers of what is now known as quantified sex, you can “trace” your somersaults – frequency, duration, number of decibels, satisfaction, and of course the application will offer you challenges (because sex is, in fact, a video game).

Such spreadsheet has spawned an incredible number of little sisters: Lovely, which connects directly to a vibrating penis ring (when will the feedback be live?), Nipple, which allows you to see your performance evolve, CoupleKeep to share your fantasies, etc.

If sex doesn’t interest you, maybe you need a couple assistant?

On Kindu, you organize your activities together. On LoveByte, you create your own social network (that is, you share your erotic pictures without being able to hack them). On Couple, you geotag your partner and that’s the anxiety. Finally and among others, on Avocado, you share your memories, your calendar (GoogleCalendar also offers this option, by the way), your shopping list and chores, you tell me when you fail in romance, okay?

Always further in the laziness: assisted rupture.

There are now several (paid) options allowing the pain to go through an independent organization (but not neutral since it serves the one who pays). BreakUpText for texting fans, TheBreakUpApp for taking quizzes or sad songs, TakeABreak for not seeing your ex’s news on Facebook, among others.

A favorite is BreakUpShop, which allows you to choose à la carte how to announce the news. 10 dollars a text (cowardice is expensive), 20 dollars a letter, 29 dollars a phone call, 40 dollars a bouquet of flowers (yes, apparently we can offer breakthrough flowers). Another favorite option remains the complete consolation pack with 300 grams of cookies, a gift card valid for 30 dollars of movies or series on Netflix (note in passing that there is a guide to the sexual positions most suited to binge-watching on Netflix), two glasses of red wine (why two?), a letter of compassion written by hand, and of your choice, the video game Call of Duty (in which we virtually kill miles of enemies, perfect for catharsis) or a DVD of the film “Never forget” released in 2004 (with the handsome Ryan Gosling).

Suffice to say that apart from the letter, this consolation pack looks incredibly like a Valentine’s box. But OK. We imagine that business has its reasons that reason ignores.

Cardinal sin

If you are on the other side of the rupture and you have been abandoned like an expired iPhone, not bad: the RxBreakUp application, designed by a therapist and a cosmetic designer, allows you to follow a program in thirty days to rebuild.

In conclusion of this “hair in hand” trend? When technology advances, sometimes we stand still.

Because, before online dating, there were matchmakers or parents. Before the coaches, we had heart mail. Before Facebook, we already had circles of friends (but yes, remember). Before quantified sex, we had diaries. So okay, for virtual lovers and the breakup, it was a little more complicated … but not enough to justify such a surge!

That said, why not? In this period of resolutions spread with good feelings, it might as well be a bit of laziness – capital sin, just like lust. On this last day of the holidays, you might as well go back to bed … smartphone in hand, of course.

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